THIS WAS FUN..WELL SEE YA

So today, like any day really, I was thinking. Specifically I was thinking of the awkward dates I've been on and what exactly happened to make me feel very...uncomfortable. Now I know first dates, can easily be awkward, and to be fair to the other person, you've got to give it a couple dates before everyone is really able to be themselves. So since this is my blog, I'll just say that I am always awesome on dates and any awkwardness is a result of the awkward person I asked out on a date. I don't know about anyone else, but the following three really kill any buzz I may have going into a date. So in case there are any fine ladies looking to date the hot and eligible creator of Phlogger, you may want to take some notes.

EYE CONTACT

Eye contact is great. It let's the person talking know you're paying attention. It shows you're interested. Whether or not you actually are is a different story, but at least it appears that way. However too much and you come across as someone who is trying to make love with my eye balls. I want you to pay attention to me. Yes. But what I don't want is you peering into my soul and attempting to impregnate me with your hypnotic gaze.

PSYCHO ANALYSIS

If I want to understand what pain and heartache lies deep within by psyche, I'll just...well let's face it.. I'll just bury that deep down next to the day I confessed my love to Jenny Slade in 4th grade and the day I pissed my pants in front of her, which incidentally took place immediately after I confessed my love for her. What I don't want, is to be psycho analyzed on a first date. If I want psycho analysis, I'll eat a fortune cookie.

SHARING IS CARING

We just met. We're just one step above strangers. SO WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU GET YOUR OWN CHICKEN ALFREDO? Do I really need to say it? Sharing food on a date is pretty much rounding second base. You don't do it with just anyone. If I go on a dinner date, or any date that involves the consumption of food or drink, I expect to get my fill. The food is part of the date. I didn't just come just to have a conversation. I came for the WHOLE experience. If we're on a first date and you eat 1/3 of my pasta, that's pretty much a violation of my personal space. The only day I'll let that happen is the the day I finally cave in and say "I do".

YOUR NAME IS...

So it's been a few weeks since my last post. It's a combination of me having absolutely no ideas and the arrival of Halo:Reach, but HUZZAH, I am back for another post. Hopefully my one reader has remained loyal to my phlog.

Today I was just thinking of those little mistakes people can sometimes make in social settings. These things are completely common but can make many situations worse by not addressing them immediately. Today I would like to address NAME FORGETTING.

WE'VE MET BEFORE

Has this ever happened to you before. You extend a hand in friendship, politely introduce yourself, then the guy on the receiving end of the most polite and courteous introduction says, "We've actually met before. You know at BLAH BLAH BLAH." What an asshole. Obviously you are now flustered, and in panic mode, so you do what most normal people do to so save face. You say, "OH YEAH! Sure sure. Of course I remember." It's all total bull though. Well, after learning my lesson over the years, I now stay clear of the "Nice to meet you" greet unless I am totally sure I am meeting them for the first time. I use the "How's it going?" or "Good to see you". That way it leaves it open enough so that you can believably save yourself should the jerk you just introduced yourself to decide to play mind games and tell you that you were actually the best man at his wedding.

HEY....YOU.

So you're at this cool party of close friends. Like ten people or so. You know everyone, you are sure of that. But the hippie in the corner...what's her name? You remember her because one day you had the misfortune of hanging out with her on the one day she decided to wear shorts and share with the world what she has not been shaving. She's also vegan. What's up with that? Well in this situation, with such a small group, you have to tread carefully. You don't want to draw the most attention. Why? Because that makes it most likely that people are gonna be talking to you about other people. And what do you think will happen when they talk to you about the hippie and you talk of her as some girl you've never met? So you got to play this cool. What you should do is bring a friend over with you to the other corner of the room and offer to make drinks, then have her call out to different people and ask if they need more booze...chances are, she's gonna call out the hippie's name and you're gonna look like a gentlemen in front of Betty Sue, who's looking smokin' tonight. Now this won't always work so your other options are:

-Invent some game where everyone has to write their name on a piece of paper.

-If the person who's name you don't know has something that stands out about them eg. green hair. Ask "Who do you think has the greenest hair?"

-Talk about the person in question, but in a vague way so that the person who you are having the conversation with has to say the name of the person in question. For example

YOU: She's a total bore.
HOGARTH: Who?
You: She is.
Hogarth: Who is "she"?
You: You don't know her name? You're an asshole.
Hogarth: Sue?
You: No
Hogarth: Leroy?
You: No
Hogarth: Claire?
You: YES. CLAIRE.
Hogarth: Why is she a bore?
You: Hmm? What?

I AM (INSERT NAME HERE)

You're talking to Ruth and the conversation is going well. You guys are talking about bottle caps and jax(es?) and you thought the party couldn't get any wilder. Then Geena walks by and you hear her say "...Moonlight Sonata was one of Brahm's best pieces." Then you say to Ruth, "Geena is so stupid. We all know Vivaldi wrote Moonlight Sonata. What an idiot!" To which Ruth replies, "I am Geena". TWIST. So being quick on your feet you say, "That's right. You are Geena. Ruth is the dumb one." While you may think you're slick, your error is as obvious as the face a child makes when it's pooping in its pants. Well, this is a tough situation to get out of. At this point, just take it and realize that the hour you spent hitting on Ruth has gone down the toilet. I mean Geena.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

Who doesn't know about Highlander? One of the coolest films of the 80's. This movie is as timeless as milk left out on a hot summer day. This movie has it all, action, romance, and Sean Connery. I can imagine the screen writer pitching the idea "It's about a group of immortals who kill each other until there is only one left remaining, and the best part....that guy gets a prize!" Awesome. I do have a couple gripes with the film, though. None of which are enough to make me not like it, but enough to bring me out of the film every now and then.

I AM CONNOR MACCLEOD

Why does Connor MacCleod not speak with a Scottish accent and instead sound like a prospector searching for gold. Whoever thought that having strep throat could replace having a Scottish accent is sorely mistaken. After all, the character IS Scottish. It's part of his whole back story. I mean, Arnold Schwarzengger sounds more Scottish than this guy.

I AM RAMIREZ

Okay, the one ACTUAL Scottish guy in this movie plays a Spaniard. Sean Connery, probably the only thing Scotland is known for, plays some Spanish dude. What's up with that? I do appreciate the fact that they give him a nice tan and made him wear eyeliner to make him seem more Spanish, but really...all we see is an unusually brown Sean Connery with eyeliner.

THE PRIZE

So the whole point of the movie is for these immortals to kill each other off till there is only one of them left, and that guy receives the coveted "prize". No one knows what the prize is except that only the last immortal standing will get it and that vying for the prize is the sole purpose of these immortals. So in your mind, when you hear that the reason for the existence of these immortals is to claim "the prize", you think "holy cow, that has got to be some amazing prize." Well hmmm...after becoming "The One", MacCleod does indeed get the prize of MORTALITY and TELEPATHY. Yes. Am I the only one who feels a little jipped here? The whole purpose of these immortals is to kill each other so that the last one alive can die of old age? Does this sound like a prize to you? And oh yes, don't forget about the ability to read people's minds. The two most useful and coveted abilities on earth.

I DEMAND SATISFACTION

After seeing the Expendables this weekend, I am compelled to write about Stallone's many other films, which for some reason, are not as popular as Rambo or Rocky. Now before you uncultured minds criticize the esteemed works of Stallone, remember this fact, He played two of the most iconic roles in film. Bruce Willis will forever be known for his stubborn refusal to die easily, and Schwarzenegger will always be remembered for his penchant for coming back at a later time. However, Stallone will always be known for single handedly taking down the Soviet Union with his boxing prowess and for rescuing forgotten POWs (also single handedly). What people don't know is that besides being the very personification of testosterone, Stallone also has a very soft and emotional side, which he demonstrates by ripping the arms of his opponents in arm wrestling matches.

OUR HERO EMERGES

Lincoln Hawks (Stallone) is a lonely and hard working trucker. Driven away from his wife and child by his rich and way-to-nosy father-in-law, Hawks now lives a lonely life as a trucker, till one day, he receives a letter from his dying wife to pick up his estranged son (of ten years), from his school (A military academy) and look after him for a while. Cue emotion. The son hates Hawks for abandoning him, not knowing the truth of the situation. So what does Hawks due to repair this rift, why he imparts his love for professional arm wrestling to his son. Who by the way, looks like Justin Beiber. So try, for a moment, imagine that Justin Beiber attends a military academy and competes in arm wrestling matches across the U.S.

FATHER AND SON

It is important to note that the mother dies during this period of bonding between Hawks and son. Which makes sense she was dying at the beginning but what doesn't make sense is why she would send her son AWAY during that period. Cue emotion. Hawks's father-in-law offers to pay Hawks 50 grand and give him a brand new semi truck if he would agree to give up his relationship with his son...ahh the father-in-law's grandson. Hawks says no because he has a full proof plan that would set him AND his son for life. The plan? Sell his current life blood, the semi-truck he owns NOW, use that money to enter an arm wrestling competition in Vegas (is there anything that CAN'T be done in Vegas?), win the competition, and then walk away with a cool prize of a 100 grand and a brand new semi. While doing this, he will also arm wrestle his way back into his son's heart. It is actually on his to-do list

OVER THE TOP

Hawks, alone in Vegas and competing at the National Professional Arm Wrestling Championships is visibly distressed. Having put everything on the line and realizing that all the dudes competing have arms bigger than Donald Trump's ego, he's not so sure he can win. On top of that, his 1980's Justin Beiber look alike son ran away. Why? One word. Emotion. Hawks starts losing his matches. One more and he'll be out of the competition with nothing but the clothes on his back. Just before his final match, his son returns. Thanks to arm wrestling (not to relationship building) Hawks has won his son over. Proceed to montage of Hawks decimating every opponent over a period of 6 mins. Hawks has won the money, the car, and Justin Bieber. As the two celebrate in front of the crowd, Hawks's father-in-law watches in approval as his son-in-law and grandson celebrate and now go off into the sunset to live the life of truckers together.

WEB HEAD

Imagine swinging through the high rise city scape of New York City. Being able to scale any surface and react to any situation faster than any other person alive. Sounds pretty coo, huh? But what if Spider-Man lived in the real world? Would it still be cool to be Spider-Man?

MAN-SCAPING

Ever wonder how Spider-Man scales those walls? Hair you say? Well you would be correct BUT....and this is a big but, the hair wouldn't be as microscopic as you would expect. If Spider-Man scales a building with clothes on, the body hair has to be long enough to penetrate through the clothing in order to grab at the surface. Doesn't sounds to bad? Think about his feet. If he's wearing thick boots, imagine how long the hair on his feet has to be. Unless you wanna have more body hair than an 80's pornstar, I'm not sure climbing walls is gonna be worth it. If that doesn't convince you, what do you think will happen when you give your BFF a high five? Well with that velcro body hair of yours combined with your super strengh,you may very well rip his arm off.

YOU HAVE WHAT COME OUT WHERE?

Spins a web any time. How cool would it be to pick up your date by swinging on a giant web? Not only is it sexy and adventurous, but it saves on bus fare, which means you can buy your date one more item off the dollar menu. But being in the real world, all that wrist splooge isn't gonna just cleanly come off your wrist. What if you are wearing long sleeves, and that stuff gets all over your clothes? Well you're gonna look like you just jacked off onto your own sleeves. How many times do you think your girlfriend is gonna let that one slide?

OVER WORKED AND UNDER PAID

Saving a damsel in distress sounds like it could be fun, right? At the end of the night you could very well walk away with the phone number of a hot girl. What's wrong with that? What about 20 damsels in distress, 4 balds guys, and an over weight cop who unfortunately had a little "accident" due to the overwhelming stress of the situation. And that's all before the night of the big final you got in Non-Classical Astro Physics. What about rescuing every lost cat in the entire state all before that sexy date you have planned with your significant other? Well I can tell you right now fur balls are not an aprhodisiac and neither is having to give mouth-to-mouth to that bald pimp. What happens when all the over weight, donut-eating cops start to rely a little TOO much on your good deeds? Well I can tell you this much, kiss your you life of LARPING and attending the local ice cream socials with your "special girl" good bye.

LOVE PLUS+

So as most people know, there are two kinds of weird. There is the weird that comes from not growing up around something (eg. other cultures) and there is the weird that is just plain weird no matter what frame of reference you use (eg. Gary Busey). I will leave the final verdict up to you, but just so you know...this is pretty weird. Or maybe sad?

MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT ON RIGHT NOW.

Love Plus+ is a dating simulation game on the DS. Apparently it's very popular among the nerdy and socially awkward, which for some reason seems to only be Japanese men. You may, after all recall some college student (nerd alert!), marrying his virtual "girlfriend". In a rather business savvy move, the game is not sold in countries outside the land of the rising sun. The publisher realizes that real women are still "in" and that the rest of the men in the world would much rather interact with a woman without the need for a stylus and an extension chord. Me, I like to experiment.

ATAMI DOES NOT JUDGE YOU

A former hot spot among love birds back when the word "physical" actually meant something, is now trying to regain some of its former glory by catering to...you guessed it...virtual love birds. "Lucky" guys can rent a hotel room and experience a real life romantic getaway just like in the game..umm, I mean love simulation.

In Atami, the Love Plus+ fans—mostly men in their twenties and thirties—stand out. Unlike the deeply tanned beach crowd wearing very little, they are often pasty and overdressed for the heat in heavy jeans and button-down shirts.

This is an actual quote from an article in the Wall Street Journal. No matter how you look at it, these guys give Japanese men a real bad name. The word "loser" comes to mind.

FINAL THOUGHTS

In a country where the population is actually decreasing (this is true. I heard it from a documentary I watched sometime ago on some channel), having a virtual girlfriend does not sound like a practical idea. Check that. It doesn't even sound fun. The day I fall prey to this is the day I might as well accept the fact that I will never be able to share my DNA with world...you know, by scoring.

DIESEL POWERED

The last time I did this, I had a great time analyzing the many layers of this man's greatest works. His words are like pearls, coated in platinum, and then wrapped in unicorn fur. Rare and beautiful. The sound of his voice would seduce even the deadliest of sirens. Should beauty, grace, and wisdom be personified, they would be this man. Shaquille O'Neal. Get ready to be schooled.

"BEING MARRIED, I DON'T WANT INTERPLAY OR FOREPLAY WITH ANOTHER MAN. YOU SAY 'HI, HOW YOU DOING?' AND YOU KEEP MOVING."

Now I am not a married man. I am a single young, strapping, intelligent, and adventurous male (hear that ladies?), but I totally can get what Shaq is going on about. Should I ever be married, I wouldn't want to engage in any kind of interplay or foreplay with any other man. Being single, it's totally cool. Interplay away with your fellow man, but not when you're married. Don't mess around. Just say "Hi" and go about on your business.

"TELL YAO MING, 'CHING-CHONG-YANG-WAH-AH-SOH.'"

The Diesel never ceases to amaze me. Now I have always known him to be an articulate and educated individual, but a linguist as well? When did this maestro of the English language have the time to tackle and master Mandarin? His tone, grammar, and delivery, were spot on. Are there no limits to this man's greatness? For those of you who are curious, Shaq said, "As the wind touches upon the cheeks of the young child, the sun lights his path ahead." This is a quote from the 15th century Chinese poet, Lee Chin Chong Chan. Shaq, I tip my hat to you. You are the very definition of a cultured man.

"I HAVE ORDERS NOT TO COME BACK UNTIL I'M A THOUSAND PERCENT."

Not content with devoting his entire mind, body, and soul to the sport, Shaquille O'Neal is determined to multiply 100 percent of his effort by a factor of ten. While us normal people are limited by the skills mother nature has bestowed upon us, Shaq annihilates those limits and gives Mother Nature the bird. Shaq has transcended to a higher level. More serene and peace loving than the Dalai Lama, more pensive than Rodin's The Thinker, and more graceful than Baryshnikov, Shaquille O'Neal is literally the pinnacle of greatness.