I DEMAND SATISFACTION

After seeing the Expendables this weekend, I am compelled to write about Stallone's many other films, which for some reason, are not as popular as Rambo or Rocky. Now before you uncultured minds criticize the esteemed works of Stallone, remember this fact, He played two of the most iconic roles in film. Bruce Willis will forever be known for his stubborn refusal to die easily, and Schwarzenegger will always be remembered for his penchant for coming back at a later time. However, Stallone will always be known for single handedly taking down the Soviet Union with his boxing prowess and for rescuing forgotten POWs (also single handedly). What people don't know is that besides being the very personification of testosterone, Stallone also has a very soft and emotional side, which he demonstrates by ripping the arms of his opponents in arm wrestling matches.

OUR HERO EMERGES

Lincoln Hawks (Stallone) is a lonely and hard working trucker. Driven away from his wife and child by his rich and way-to-nosy father-in-law, Hawks now lives a lonely life as a trucker, till one day, he receives a letter from his dying wife to pick up his estranged son (of ten years), from his school (A military academy) and look after him for a while. Cue emotion. The son hates Hawks for abandoning him, not knowing the truth of the situation. So what does Hawks due to repair this rift, why he imparts his love for professional arm wrestling to his son. Who by the way, looks like Justin Beiber. So try, for a moment, imagine that Justin Beiber attends a military academy and competes in arm wrestling matches across the U.S.

FATHER AND SON

It is important to note that the mother dies during this period of bonding between Hawks and son. Which makes sense she was dying at the beginning but what doesn't make sense is why she would send her son AWAY during that period. Cue emotion. Hawks's father-in-law offers to pay Hawks 50 grand and give him a brand new semi truck if he would agree to give up his relationship with his son...ahh the father-in-law's grandson. Hawks says no because he has a full proof plan that would set him AND his son for life. The plan? Sell his current life blood, the semi-truck he owns NOW, use that money to enter an arm wrestling competition in Vegas (is there anything that CAN'T be done in Vegas?), win the competition, and then walk away with a cool prize of a 100 grand and a brand new semi. While doing this, he will also arm wrestle his way back into his son's heart. It is actually on his to-do list

OVER THE TOP

Hawks, alone in Vegas and competing at the National Professional Arm Wrestling Championships is visibly distressed. Having put everything on the line and realizing that all the dudes competing have arms bigger than Donald Trump's ego, he's not so sure he can win. On top of that, his 1980's Justin Beiber look alike son ran away. Why? One word. Emotion. Hawks starts losing his matches. One more and he'll be out of the competition with nothing but the clothes on his back. Just before his final match, his son returns. Thanks to arm wrestling (not to relationship building) Hawks has won his son over. Proceed to montage of Hawks decimating every opponent over a period of 6 mins. Hawks has won the money, the car, and Justin Bieber. As the two celebrate in front of the crowd, Hawks's father-in-law watches in approval as his son-in-law and grandson celebrate and now go off into the sunset to live the life of truckers together.