STOP MOTION SERIES CONTINUES!!!!

OKAY. So I am very excited about this video. I got the idea for this while I was doing my last one. As much fun as it was making this...it was incredibly tiring, too. It took me a couple days coming up with ideas, and then buying materials, and then cutting everything up. Taking the pictures also took forever since I had to adjust a billion different things in each scene. Well hopefully this will go over well since, by far, this is the best thing I've done. I originally planned for this to be a 5 minute video, but 2 mins was tough enough. I thought I had enough ideas to stretch it into 5 mins, but after a long while, I just wanted to see the final product put together. I probably won't make another one for a while, so ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN.

I AM TED THEODORE LOGAN

BILL AND TED. They are awesome. These movies are works of art worthy enough to be mentioned in the same sentence as Godfather, Dirty Harry, E.T., and Street Fighter (the one with Van Damme). Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey should be studied around the world for their sheer brilliance and ability to relate to EVERYONE (everyone awesome that is). Now. I know what some of you may say. Either you haven't seen it yet OR you completely disagree with what I am saying. Well, to you I say, either get off your butt and see it now OR your mind just cannot comprehend the genius of these works.

KEANU REEVES

The casting of this incredibly wooden and unbelievable actor is like finding a quarter and then using that quarter to pay for something that costs exactly 25 cents. IT JUST MAKES SENSE. This is the only time Keanu Reeves has ever been properly cast for a movie role. He's such a natural here that I am fairly certain he wasn't acting and actually believed he was traveling through time in a phone booth and was playing Battleship against the Grim Reaper.

PHONE BOOTH TIME MACHINE

Simple and elegant, this contraption does not require the power input of 1.21 gigawatts nor does it require the use of the flux capacitor. You just dial in the time period you want to travel to and make sure that nothing messes with the antennae on the top of the booth, and BHAM, you're picking up Napoleon and dropping him off at the local bowling alley before you can say "Wyld Stallions".

WORLD PEACE

Bill and Ted are solely responsible for world peace. If it weren't for them, the world would be stuck in a post apocalyptic world fighting off mutant elephants and and listening to the endless nagging of basket weaving hippies continuously chanting, "I told you so."

WHOA, I KNOW KUNG FU.

Something is missing from today's movies. Remember back in the day when heroes would gain useful knowledge, skills, and abilities with a rockin' soundtrack playing in the background? That's right, it's the training montage. The training montage is essential if the hero hopes to have any chance to conquer the villain and his evil henchmen. 30 minutes before the hero begins his kick ass beat down, he enters an empty warehouse, turns on some White Snake, then trains for a full 3 minutes and 45 seconds. During these precious moments, the hero gains the powers, both mental and physical, to get the job done. Dolph Lungren had a training montage in Showdown in Little Tokyo. Sylvester Stallone had them in Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, and Rocky Balboa. Jean Claude Van Damme learned to turn his splits into a deadly weapon while filming his montage for Kickboxer. Even Daniel Laruso had one when he was learning from the great Mr. Miyagi, building custodian and general rocker of the fake Japanese accent (yes, it was fake).

In movies now, I don't see the montage being utilized anymore, at least not in the way it was back when guys were kicking butt shirtless, oiled up, and with the inability to live according to the laws of being shot at by gun fire. Keanu Reeves rocked the montage in The Matrix, but that montage consisted of him being strapped to the dungeon master's iron maiden and having thoughts of kicking butt put into his head as he grimaced and squirmed like he was trying to fart without letting anyone notice.

The montage needs to make a come back. Not only does it serve as a prologue to ass kicking, but it genuinely gets the audience pumped up. It let's them know that everything up to that point was just guys messing around but past this point, the shit gets real. I highly encourage montaging in real life, too. Just play "Eye of the Tiger" of "You're the Best" and let the confidence just overcome you. You'll feel pretty amazing afterwards.

STOP THAT MOTION!!!

So today's post is a little different. I had the urge to make a masterpiece last night, so I set out to do it this afternoon. Well, actually, I was just bored and was looking for a way to the pass the time in a totally awesome and emo way. In case any one is interested, it took me about 3 hours to make this video. It took me about an hour and a half for the actual filming and another hour and a half to piece everything together. Altogether I took about 300 some odd pictures, so you're looking at one picture every 1/2 second. I already have plans to create something cool and slightly more elaborate than just moving stuff around. If you pay attention, you can actually see me in a reflection in a coupe scenes and actually notice some of the equipment I used to do some of the stuff I did. I don't want to say. Try and see if you can find those flubs of mine. ENJOY THIS ONE!

THAT'S NICE, BUT HERE'S MY IDEA.

So for a while I've been thinking about why it's women who generally spend most of their life picturing their ideal wedding. I mean, I guess I get WHY women dream about this stuff, but why is it that men don't? "Well it's because it's a girl thing..." you may be saying, but that's only because most people have already accepted the "standard" white wedding scene and therefore go with the flow. Guys have come to accept that it's more of a big deal for their future wives rather than something they should really have a hand in creating. Now, I am a part of this school of thought...that is if you go for the cookie cutter white wedding. Lately, though, I've been asking myself, "Why can't this be a day to show case the groom?"

WELCOME TO A GUY'S WEDDING

TUXEDO

Why go for the standard penguin suite? If the bride is the one wearing a white dress, why can't I wear a purple velvet tuxedo with a soft crimson red velvet bow tie with a shirt with all those 60's frilly foofs along the chest? Also give me one of those soft mink cloaks kings usually have. I need something that drapes so I look more awesome as I stroll down the aisle.

RING BEARER

Who says the ring bearer has to be this adorable kid from some family member you never even realized existed? Give me one full grown adult Bengal tiger with a top hat and neck tie.

WEDDING SONG

The song...you all know it. Why does it always have to be that song? I am pretty sure the composer didn't write it specifically for weddings. So in my wedding scenario, I will be walking down the aisle so that everyone one can see how super fly I am in my get up. Now there is only one song that makes sense as I walk down the aisle or should I say one band....DRAGON FORCE. It's gonna be an amazing walk down the aisle, my friends. There will be lasers, fire works coming up from the floor and falling down from the ceiling. There will be hot girls dressed in tight leather escorting me to my bride to be. I will also have a walking stick with a giant diamond on the top, because, let's face it, it's just cool. OH...and don't forget the monocle I'll be rockin' for the evening.

RECEPTION

Yeah, the reception is pretty standard. Food, music, cake, but I say, give the people something they can really enjoy. I can't tell you how many times I've been to a wedding as a regular guest and have it SUCK. No date, no good music, no fun. Not at my wedding. I care for my guests. That is why there will be a petting zoo, spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, and kegs of champagne. Too often people show up to a wedding without really knowing anyone...THAT'S BORING. Single guys become randomly paired with single girls. Then those pairs challenge other pairs to drinking games. CAN THIS BE MORE AMAZING?!

WEDDING TRINKETS (OR PARTY FAVORS)

I don't want a picture showing me how disgustingly in love the wedding couple are. I don't need a reminder of THEIR perfect day. I know what people want. GRILLZ. Enough said.


JUST MARRIED!!

Yeah, we can leave in a limo. Limos are cool. A regular car, sure. That's fine, too. Can's attached to the back of the car? Not the most original, but sure. But I don't want to be just fine with it. I want to be blown away from it. That's why when it's all said and done, me and my woman are driving away in GRAVE DIGGER with a bunch of minis dragging behind us as we drive away.

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU DONE CHECKING YOUSELF OUT?

So for those of you who have ever stepped into a gym, you may already know this. For others, this is something to be aware of should you find yourself stepping into one for the first time. If you're like me and you want to get in and out without wasting any of your precious time, then you're gonna need a plan to avoid the douchey dudes who enjoy saying they workout in the gym because they think girls find this impressive but don't really do anything in terms of actually working out (by the way, girls, DO YOU find this impressive? If so, wanna touch my tree trunk neck?). "Why on earth would he be making a big deal about this?" you may be asking. Well it's simple. These guys are take up precious space in what is already a rather small gym area, they loiter and waste MY time, and they are pretty douchey ( In case you're wondering how I determine this, it is a thorough and complete analysis based entirely on an individual's looks. That's how I roll). So...how do you spot these annoying little critters.....well I am glad you asked.

1. It could be the dead of winter with a 60 mile per hour wind, snow storm, and a plague of locusts, but they'll still show up with as little clothing around the upper body area as possible. The ultimate of this look is when you see an individual sporting a perfectly good t-shirt where he not only cut the sleeves, but pretty much almost all the material around the chest and back, except for the collar of the shirt and tiny slivers of material hanging down from the front and back. At this point it's no longer a shirt but a scarf 1 meter long and 5cm wide fashionably draped around the torso. Why even bother wearing a shirt if you've thrown away all the stuff that actually made it a t-shirt in the first place.

2. These guys constantly stare at themselves in the mirror and touch their chest and biceps in hopes that their muscles will become bigger and more ripped before their very eyes. I've seen plenty of these kinds of guys spend 7/8's of their workout visualizing themselves having the ultimate body. I don't know exactly where sports science is today, but I'm pretty sure positive thinking and imagination doesn't count as a workout. It's pretty much just mental masturbation in full on action. I've wasted plenty of time watching these guys get off on watching themselves in the mirror.

3. They hover in groups. These guys don't travel solo....they travel in douche packs. You will never see one guy doing the above solo. If you do, it's a trap. His compatriots are most likely hiding behind the corner occupying more space in front of a mirror and wearing even flimsier and more useless t-shirt shreds.

So yeah...BE WARNED.

DO WE GET TO WIN THIS TIME?

So I was going through my DVD collection the other day looking for any movie I was willing to part with and donate to charity (I care about the children), and came across a gem of a movie. Something that was celebrated during its time, but, unfortunately, is now condemned to constant ridicule but uneducated losers. Yes, I am in fact talking about Rambo: First Blood Part II. I will start with the obvious. The title. Now, the first Rambo flick was known as First Blood. For those who are unaware, the reason Rambo goes into ass-kicking mode is because the cops were harassing him first...they drew first blood. So naturally my man The Italian Stallion himself had to check that shit. RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II. It's genius because Rambo's enemies are drawing first blood...AGAIN! That lets you know that this shit is real. Rambo got dissed twice by multiple ass holes and is gonna bring down the hammer of ripped muscular justice.
Now I could go on all day about the awesomeness of the movie title, but I will skip some of that and delve straight into the REAL intellectual stuff. Rambo, now in prison, is tasked with rescuing forgotten POWs. He's not alone, though, he has a hot local guide who helps him navigate the dense jungle, his iconic red bandanna, his Buddha necklace choker, a bow with a bunch of arrows with explosive tips, his trusty knife, and a bunch of dead bodies in his wake. Now to be fair, he only kills these guys because he ran out of bread crumbs and let's face it, it's the jungle. It's not real easy to find your way back home. Along the way he accomplishes his task but not without consequences. The hot female guide (who now has been established as his soul mate after a 45 min trek through the jungle with little talking but plenty of hot, sweaty hiking), has suffered a fatal blow. Now, this is where the baddies draw first blood the second time. To add insult to injury, he's left behind by Murdoch, a character with no balls and sweats way too much to comfortably wear the clothes he is wearing. Cue awesome soundtrack with what sounds like a rattlesnake that's pissed off and plenty of rippling muscles hiding in mud, coming out of mud, hiding in more mud (this time intentionally), and then killing Russians.
Another awesome fact of this movie is how un-tactical Rambo dresses. His tactical apparel consists of boots (perfect for hiking), cargo pants (perfect for storage), and no shirt (perfect for glistening muscles). You see, this is in fact a SMART move since the glare bouncing off his sweaty bod will affect the sight of the bad guys by temporarily blinding them with glare; thus, providing Rambo with precious moments to kill with extreme prejudice. Oh I forgot to mention, the bandanna also helps keep his hair and sweat out of his eyes. That's pretty important, too.
So these are just some of the main points that justify Rambo: First Blood Part II as being regarded as art, preserved in The Library of Congress, and held in such high esteem as to make Leonardo Da Vinci himself jealous. By the way, this is a pic of a fan in my kitchen. I basically had a green filter on and messed with the color a bit.

I HATE HER COCKROACH SHAPED SPLOTCH

Have any of you guys seen 500 Days of Summer? I'm pretty sure by now, must people have since it caused a bit of a hub bub when it first came out. I saw it again for the second time earlier tonight and have to say...as much as I loved it the first time round, I thought it was even better after a repeated viewing. Anyone else think that the girlfriend character was kinda a douche for leading on Joseph Gordon Levitt by dancing with him at a wedding and then inviting him to her party AFTER she said she ONLY wanted to be friends? It was a total bummer seeing the the guy's expectations play alongside what really happened. If I was the guy, I would have grabbed the girl's engagement ring after seeing it and then thrown it off the roof, then immediately proceed to get the hell out of there. I do have to say, though, I would never pretend to play house in an Ikea. In real life I would just feel stupid, and if a girl I was dating did do this, I would pretty much give her the "Really? You want me to act like a weirdo in Ikea?" expression and then walk out and just binge on some Ikea Swedish meatballs till I spot someone else with less of a desire to demonstrate their imagination in public places. In fact, I'd still feel stupid doing something like that if it were just the two of us.....does that mean I am not romantic enough? Can't be.....I POSTED A PICTURE OF FLOWERS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

SAY WHAT?!

Okay so since first crafting and designing this most elegant and most interesting blog, I thought I was some what of a lyrical wordsmith when I came up with the term "Phlogger" or "Phlogg". Well, it turns out my incredible creative idea has well, been already thought of by a bunch of other people quite some time ago. Argh. Well I can honestly say it feels like a great deal of my thunder has been taken away from me since the terms "Phlogg" and "Phlogger" were the only things that were really cool about this blog. I guess from now on I have to actually rely on taken good pics and writing things people actual want to read. Hmmm, I see a short-lived feature ahead.

POST NUMERO UNO

So, this is my very first post....ALL RIGHT! From the looks of things I have TWO followers. This thing is definitely catching on like wild fire. My first official entry and I am already out of ideas. Oh....so this picture...how does it inspire me. Well I took this in my backyard and it's a pic of an apple tree. I just looked up and snapped. Pretty cool, huh? (Please post all your praise in the comment section) What does it inspire me to write about? THE NEW TRON LEGACY TRAILER!!!!! Omg. Okay, now I have never seen the original Tron but I know the basic premise. The Dude (if you know who this is, you get awesome points, if not, you're a fascist) gets sucked into a video game and has to battle other guys wearing luminous, tight fitting suits, which leave nothing to the imagination. That's pretty much the entire movie right there. BUT the new Tron movie...oh man, gave me a total nerd-gasm. This is something that cannot be described in words, which I guess renders this entire post useless since I will not be explaining it or describing it in any way......whatever. Isn't this a cool pic?

IT HAS BEGUN!

Welcome to PHLOGGER!!!! So yeah...I have some thoughts that need to be released upon the world like a zombie virus. So in order to make MY blog different from the other guys, I decided to invent something completely new and amazing. IT'S CALLED A PHLOGG. "What is a Phlogg ?" you ask. Simple. I will post pics that inspire my thoughts and then rant alongside said pics. These pics are all MY creation...so any praise should be sent my way. Anything else...keep to yourself. So that's it.......I CREATED THE WORLD'S FIRST PHLOGG. Oh and I took that pic in my kitchen.