BEWARE. GIFTS.

Gifts are supposed to be great, right? It doesn't matter what the gift is. What is important is the intent behind the actual gift giving. Well, unless you live in the land of sunshine and strawberries, crappy presents do exist. We've all either received them or given them at some point. While by no means the lamest or least imaginative gift, these gifts leave much to be desired.

FROM FATHER TO SON

Usually when a parent buys a gift for their child they usually go for something simple. A toy, action figure, video games, books...at least something they know their son/daughter will love and find hours of entertainment from. Not Heinrich Hoffman. He said to hell with that and decided to give the gift of discipline to his son one cold and efficient Christmas morning in 1844. Having come to the conclusion that there was no present worth giving to his son (I am sure his son would beg to differ), Psychiatrist Heinrich Hoffman decides to write a bunch of cautionary tales, bind them together and give them to his son. Now I am all for creative and unique hand-made presents, but when the name of the gift is Struwwelpeter (Slovenly Peter) and is a collection of 10 cautionary stories detailing how naughty children will be punished (Play with matches? Burn to death. Suck you thumb? Thumbs get cut off), the idea of a gift certificate for Christmas is beginning to look like the greatest present on earth.

FEEL THE BURN

Imagine a Christmas where you're gathered around a huge tree surrounded by 30 of your closest friends and family. Everyone is closely watching what gifts were bought and who they were given to. Now it's your turn. Your first present is not too big but not too small, either. You tear it open and and say, "Ahh, thanks just what I wanted." It's Tony Horton's p90X fitness program. Now the person who gave you the gift says, "I thought it would be useful for you." You put on the fakest smile of your life. Your words say "thank you", but your eyes say" fuck you."

STUDY STUDY STUDY.

This example is very personal to me. Why? Well cause this actually happened to me. Imagine it's Christmas morning (again?). You're 10 years old. It's been an eternity since the Christmas season started and all you want to know is what awesome gift "Santa" gave you this year. You made sure to try hard in your studies, not to give your parents a hard time, and not be a dick to homeless people. You just know Christmas 1994 is gonna be awesome. You're gonna have the best gifts and you're gonna be spending the rest of the day playing with the new Lion-O action set with Sword of Omens accessory. You look under the tree and you see a box with your name. It's a little smaller than you expected. In fact it's really small, but you don't care. You know it's got to be what you have been lusting over for the better part of the year. You rip apart the wrapping like a guido rips apart his shirt at a rave. And there it is. A pencil sharpener. Just like you never wanted.

Shout out: HEY Sassmuffin! That's you in the pic. YEAH!

THE GREATEST SPORT YOU NEVER HEARD OF

Curling, cross country skiing, speed walking, and badminton. As riveting, captivating, and engrossing as these sports are, they are quickly becoming standard and run of the mill. Curling used to get me more excited than an evening alone locked in my room with unrestricted internet access, but now, even Whoopi Goldberg gets my heart racing faster than the women of the Swedish curling team. The world needs new sporting events like Justin Beiber needs to hit puberty (ie. urgently). Here are few which are about to take the world by storm.

ROOK TO YOUR FACE

"Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board" This is the motto of the World Chess Boxing Organization. That's right. CHESS BOXING. If you find watching a regular chess match mind numbingly slow and think that boxing is best left to uncultured brutes, then this is the sport for you. Get ready for eleven rounds of pure mind brawls. I like to see a computer take on a human in THIS chess match.

THE LEGACY OF GENERAL BURNSIDE

Ever think your facial hair is just the awesome-est thing this side of these United States? Well think again, bucko, cause obviously you have not heard of The World Beard and Moustache Championships. This is when the manliest men in the world smear their testosterone all over their faces and make us feeble weaklings with pathetic lip pubes cower in shame at our obvious deficiencies.

MAN VS. BEAST

Well, in this case it's actually a horse. Besides turning hills into mountains for no other reason than to kill time and to watch Hugh Grant be his bumbling self, the Welsh are also known for having marathon runners compete against mounted horse contestants in a test of stamina and agility. This event started when two guys couldn't figure out if a man could beat a horse in a cross country race. Is no one ever sober in this country?

CAUTION: GENIUS AT WORK

The steam engine. The cotton gin. The phonograph. Telephones, the light bulb, and Beano are all some of the world's greatest inventions. Genius can strike at any time and anyone. That "Eureka" moment can be as simple as being hit in the head by an apple or figuring out a more efficient means of phone sex that doesn't involve understanding Morse code. The following are three inventions which make people wonder, "Why didn't I think of that?"

(DON'T) HEAR ME SCREAM

Have you ever wanted to scream your pants off but not want to alert the neighbors to your obvious psychotic episodes? Well Moira and Frank Figone of Belmont, CA, have invented the perfect solution. A face-tube device which allows users to a fix the contraption to their mouths and scream without disturbing others. And all this time I thought my pillow was the best solution. I'm so stupid.

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND

Ever have that romantic feeling? Your relationship is just starting out. You get goosebumps whenever the object of affection is near, then one day you decide to go for it. You hold their hand and the excitement hits you like a steel-toed boot to the crotch. But what about in cold weather? How on earth can you maintain precious physical contact while strolling down the road on a snowy weekend morning? Each of you wear a pair of gloves and proceed to hold hands? Don't b ridiculous. This is the 21st century. We are no longer incompetent cave men. Enter the courting glove. A pair of gloves knitted together into a single glove. Now you can maintain that contact and still stay warm without looking like a fool.

TWO-FOR-ONE OR HOW EFFICIENCY CAME TO RULE THE WORLD

Are you a farmer? Do you constantly find yourself plowing the fields of barley? Are you constantly under the threat of invading forces or evil businessmen looking to take your land from you? What will you do if you home comes under attack while you are plowing the land? Stop and run for your shot gun in you shed? That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. What do you think will happen during the precious few seconds as you speed back to retrieve that firearm. Well the world could end, that's what, and all because you were to short-sighted to be prepared. Well no need to feel like an ignoramus any longer. Say hello to the combined plow and gun. Continue to plow the fields as you simultaneously fend off intruders and money-grabbing city folk. The most efficient weapon you will ever have in your arsenal.

KAPPAS: THE UNKNOWN DANGER

Global warming, green house gases, clowns, Twilight. These are many of the issues threating the human race. The instill fear in the populace and foreshadow a future filled with lawless cannibals and a savage war over the world's remaining natural resources. Many people, however, are unaware of a danger which has been in existence of millenia. The kappa.

KAPPA-NO-KAWA-NAGARE

According to the ancient scrolls (Wikipedia),

their bodies are often more like those of monkeys or frogs than human beings. Some descriptions say their faces are apelike, while others show them with beaked visages more like those of tortoises or with duck beaks. Pictures usually show kappa with thick shells and scaly skin that ranges in color from green to yellow or blue

In other words, they haven't got a clue.

DANGEROUS MINDS

Their troublesome activity ranges from the random annoyance to the outright dangerous and deadly. Not only are they known for stealing crops and kidnapping children, but they also loudly pass gas and look up women's kimonos! I can feel the future just slipping from mankind's fingertips.

ACHILLES HEEL

Kappas are more of a threat to humanity than let's say cockroaches, locusts, or Jay Leno's chin. Fortunately, nothing is indestructible. Even the great T-1000 was able to be brought down by the one-liners of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here's the trick. Kappas, while keen on looking up innocent women's kimonos, for some reason obsess over being polite. When confronted by a Kappa, gesture with a deep bow and more than likely, the Kappa will do the same. This is their fatal flaw and weakness. By bowing, water kept in their bowl shaped head will spill out, thus, rendering the Kappa completely paralyzed. Who would have thought that being polite could have such disastrous repercussions. Plus, why would a creature so used to passing gas and kidnapping people be so obsessed with etiquette? Am I missing something here?

RAPID TRANSPORT, YOU SAY?

Many people have used the BART before, and people who know me know that, in my opinion, BART is a poor example of "rapid" public transportation. I pretty much bad mouth BART all the time, but when it comes to going to the city, it's my preferred method, followed by horseback, and plain just not going to the city. Here are my gripes with this poor excuse for public transportation and suggestions for improving its experience.

PORT-A-POTTY

Now this doesn't happen all the time, but enough times for me to notice. Why does some of the train cars smell like urine? Do people seriously get away with peeing in the cars or is there so much accumulated filth that the train cars just smell like an open sewer on a hot day? Solution: If you pee on the train, a government official gets to pee on you.

CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE

Why do the trains always break down? And when they do, why are we forced to wait in a packed, hot, and stuffy compartment with no ventilation? Solution: Hire Sir Topham Hat and Thomas the tank engine to improve train efficiency in the Bay. If unavailable, hire Germans. Having a German just makes things more efficient. It's one of the laws of nature.

HAMMER, ANVIL, STIRRUP

Why is it terribly deafening while traveling through tunnels, and don't say, "it's cause you're going through a tunnel". I've been a bunch of different subway stations that travel underground and none of them make me bleed from my ears. Solution, fill the tunnels with jello. Whether or not this reduces the decibel level is beyond me. But wouldn't it be cool to look out the window as you travel through a tunnel of jello?

NOT AS COOL AS IT SEEMS

Any awesomely cool guy who grew up reading comic books, buying useless trading cards, and watching totally fantastic 90's cartoon has probably thought "How cool would it be to have Wolverine's powers?" And yes, it would be cool. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized maybe not so much.

THE GOOD...

Adamantium claws. Bad ass. No homeless drunkard or stupid teen is gonna mess with you when you whip a set of these bad boys out. Guy hitting on your girlfriend? Well not anymore when you humiliate him in front of his cronies by gouging his eyes out and feeding him his own testicles. Your overworked and under paid secretary giving you lip? Show the guy you mean business by feeding him only one of his testicles.

THE BAD...

A heightened sense of smell. Effective for smelling bad guys...though I am not sure if bad people naturally give off an "evil" pheromone. Imagine having an extremely heightened sense of smell. Smelling someone's farts isn't going to be a minor inconvenience in this situation. It's gonna be as if some dude launched a fart grenade straight into your nasal passages. Walking pass an open sewer. Well the guy might as well have taken a dump in your nose given how sensitive you sense of smell is.

THE UGLY...

Regeneration is awesome, but not as awesome when you end up living longer than most Galapagos Tortoises. Now you know people are gonna realize something shady is going on when you show up to your 50th wedding anniversary looking younger than your own grand children. Plus there's having to pretend to croak every 60 or so years so that people don't get suspicious. Then there's the trouble of creating a new identity. And what if scientists get a whiff of your bowels' ability to produce a veritable fountain of youth? Well then you better get used to spending the rest of your life being probed, examined, and dissected. But hey don't worry. At least you're able to live forever, right?

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

So while browsing the web like any pressure filled work day, I came across some rather horrifying pictures. They were pictures of canned foods, but not the kinds you or most other people are used to. No tuna here, nor SPAM, nor baked beans, but some rather unique items. Here are three that really stood out to me.

CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S A CHICKEN

Now chicken in a can is not so unusual. I mean if they can can chicken of the sea, why not chicken of the land, right? Well, it's a whole chicken in a can slathered with gooey gravy. Now it may not sound THAT bad, but take one quick look at it and it will appear as if a your chicken is covered in placenta. The pale, headless chicken covered in clear jelly makes it a look as though the can just gave birth to a hairless, naked Ron Jeremy.

PUT YOUR CAN WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS

Apparently it's a delicacy in some Eastern European country or village to eat fish mouths since enough people do it to justify canning these things. Now I am not a a food expert but it seems that eating teeth and jaw bone won't exactly provide the nourishment a body needs. I don't know about you, but opening a can and seeing a bunch of what is essentially fish dentures floating around in brown gravy isn't exactly appealing to me.

LET THAT SOAK IN YOUR BRAIN FOR A MOMENT

Pork brains in milk gravy. I don't know which puts me off most... "brains" or "milk gravy". Actually the brains I would be willing to try but the milk gravy just sounds icky.

Check out the link to see pics of these wonderful creations and a few extra other canned "foods" : http://www.oddee.com/item_96711.aspx

A WHOLE NEW WORLD

Who doesn't love a good Disney movie. The Lion King, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Beauty and The Beast...all excellent films. Of course, Disney has yet to return to their former glory, but still, the classics are still great no matter what age you are. Recently I have been thinking, or reminded, about how cool it would be if real life was just like a Disney movie. Well, after actually taking time to think about it, I realized three important things.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

So you know that knack Disney has for making everything non-human, inanimate or not, come to life? Can you imagine the stress of making yourself a simple home cooked meal? The pleas for mercy, the sadness, the horror. You shouldn't have to feel like a genocidal war criminal when making yourself a home grown salad. Even worse...can you imagine taking a dump and having your toilet spring to life?

DATE NIGHT

How will I ever get a girlfriend when everyone other dude on the planet is an actual Prince Charming. It's a total buzz kill for us normal guys. If you thought dating was hard for you now...well it's about to get infinitely harder. And if you think looks don't matter in a Disney world, think about this. Not even Quasimodo got the girl at the end of The Hunchback of Notre Dame..AND HE WAS THE HERO!

KARMA CHAMELEON

Good guys get to be king. Bad guys get tricked into being a genie. Everyone else...well, you're just scenery or the goofy sidekick or guy #3 or maybe even the the heroine's best friend who never gets to find her Prince Charming and has to live out the rest of her miserable existence as a sad old spinster pretending to be happy for your friend when in reality you just want to beat her to death with her own glass slipper. So if you're hoping to make something of yourself, you better make sure the fairy godmother blessed you with a heart of gold..otherwise, you're screwed.

THE WALKING DEAD

New video. A humanist deconstruction of Nihilism through an existentialist framework.

ROCKY, COLT, AND TUM TUM

Most people have seen this movie, I'm pretty sure. Now I haven't seen this in years, but I have seen it over six times and it has played a vital role in my mental and physical development. Of course, things you thought were awesome as a kid, turn out to be not as awesome as an adult. These are the things from 3 NINJAS which I often look back and reflect on.

WAIT. HOW ARE YOU GUYS RELATED?

Now I know this is a movie and the people hired are actors, but would it hurt to make the relationships between the actors believable? The granddad is Japanese, so his daughter (the mother of the 3 Ninjas) has got to look a little Japanese, right? Well she looks as Japanese as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard draped in the proud Civil War colors of the South.

NINJAS ARE THE ULTIMATE WEAPON

Ninjas are cool. No doubt about that. Growing up I have seen every D-grade, low-budget ninja flick and have thought, and still think, each and every one of them is totally awesome. But I'm also not an idiot. How is that guys dressed in black cloth and holding weapons that CANNOT break the sound barrier, easily, swiftly, and efficiently dispose of supposedly highly trained and adequately armed officers? If this movie is to be believed, then ninjas are indeed supremely awesome OR FBI agents are actually so inept that it makes you wonder if they don't just hand out badges hidden cereal boxes.

SENSEI. GRANDFATHER.. NINJA

How is it that a 4'11, 75 year-old-man who dresses up in his shiny blue ninja outfit, which by the way doesn't even mask his identity, is able to stand at a crime scene surrounded by cops, FBI agents, guns and flash lights, and not get taken away in a straight jacket? Well actually, I guess the more important question is how does the FBI manage to look more ridiculous than him?

The Illustrious Career of Jean Claude Van Damme

Anyone who has ever seen a Jean Claude Van Damme film knows that this man does not get the credit he deserves. I am HUGE fan of the mussels from Brussels and feel like over the past few years, he's been unfairly forgotten and dropped from the Hollywood limelight. Here's a brief look at his career.

PREPARE FOR AN AHH-TTACK.

According to Wikipedia, Guile is an American, born in the United States and is a Major in the United States Airforce. Van Damme, however, believed that this generic and flat description of a video game character was too 2 dimensional for the silver screen. So Van Damme, in his infinite wisdom decided to play the character as a United States Air Force Major, born and raised in the U.S. BUT with a Belgian accent. Forget the fact that Van Damme with blonde hair is as natural and everyday as musician Bruce Cockburn's name. Forget the fact that no American in the entire United States speaks English as though it was their third language...and pretty much forget this film ever existed.

VARIETY, VARIETY, VARIETY

Van Damme enjoys choosing a wide variety of projects. Projects which help to show his diversity and ability to change his character like a chameleon. In Kickboxer, Van Damme's kickboxing brother was unfairly beat in a muay thai match in Thailand. In order to regain his and his brother's honor, he must compete in a muay thai fight against the man who wronged his family. In Bloodsport, Van Damme must enter an illegal underground fight tournament in order to honor his sick Sensei. In The Quest, Van Damme must secretly enter a fight tournament in order to regain his own honor. In Lionheart, Van Damme must enter an urban underground fight tournament in order to take care of the family his recently deceased brother left behind. What a varied and illustrious career.

WHAT A GIRL WANTS

Well according to Teen Dream, Teen Scream, and Teen Beat magazines, it's Justin Bieber. Since the sudden appearance and popularity of The Bieber, the reasons behind his fame has quickly become one of mankind's greatest mysteries easily replacing the greatest of them all, "Is there a god?" Which, by the mere existence of Justin Bieber, the answer is obviously...no.

WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN?

Well clearly one of the secrets to wooing a mass of intellectually underdeveloped female tweens is to..well, look like you were just born yesterday. Apparently this guy is 16-years_old. Okay, does anyone believe that?

HAIR CLUB FOR MEN

The stylin' hair of a "man" in the music business. Big deal. My hair looks like that everyday when I wake up in the morning AND I don't need to use styling gel to keep it that way. I just use my natural scalp grease to keep it in place for the rest of the day.

ROMEO AND WHO?

Okay...the guy did teach himself how to play the guitar, piano, trumpet, and drums. I will give him that. But does it make sense that this guy sings about his relationship with the "ladies"? It makes as much sense as me rapping about being a CASH MONEY MILLIONAIRE and REPRESENTIN' MY HOMIES. If this kid actually does better with the ladies than I do, well, all hope is lost, I guess.

STAR FOX APPROACHING

No. Not that Star Fox. I am talking about the little known Marvel super "hero" known as Star Fox, aka. Eros. Well, "what is the big deal with this dude?" you may ask. Well only that his main super power is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of an individual's mind. I don't know about you, but I don't see how this "power" helps save the universe from certain evil-doers bent on total domination.

STARFOX, MEET MY GIRLFRIEND...

This is someone I definitely would not feel comfortable introducing to my girlfriend, sister, or even mother. He's not like the "playa" best friend who you have to worry about as being potential competition. No, this guy takes it to the next level. It's like leaving a bear with a jar of honey, and if Winnie the Pooh has taught us anything, it's that bears slaughter honey.

ROOFIES? IF ANYTHING THEY SHOULD BE CALLED RAPIES

Clearly I don't have to spell it out for you. Your imagination is doing all the work. Now, it makes me wonder what the hell the writer of this character was thinking. Clearly the dude was a nerd of the highest order and constantly dreamed of being a cross between Johnny Depp and Colin Farrel ( which in scientific terms is dubbed "The Ultimate Cock Block"). With the imagination of a horny 13-year-old kid, Star Fox's writer definitely went all out in making a totally creepy character destined to be featured on "To Catch A Predator".

WHAT'S MY JOB DESCRIPTION

So besides being a natural born creep, what the hell is this super "hero" capable of doing? You think this guy can hang with the likes of Superman or Batman? I'm pretty sure Wonder Woman wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. I mean this was a character who was even put on trial for sexual assault in his own comic book! Who comes up with this stuff?

RED CURRENT

Has anyone seen the movie Crimson Tide? It came out like in 1995, so like 80 years ago. It's a good movie and stars Denzel Washingotn and Gene Hackman. Now, I don't know anything about life on a submarine or anything like that. But if I ever considered life on one, this movie definitely changed my mind.

SWEAT IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY.

Man, if the movie is to be believed, you're gonna be spending 24-7 sweating, being sweaty, and being sweat on by other sweaty dudes. The first thing I noticed when I first saw this movie was the sweat. Forget about the Russians, the real enemy here is dehydration.

DUDES. AND WAY TOO MANY OF THEM.

So certain things are just obvious. You don't have to experience them, but you can kinda assume and you'd be right. But nothing nails the point home better than actually seeing it for yourself. I don't care if this is a movie, there are way too many dudes in such a confined metal phallus. Forget the fact that you can't experience your God given right to breathe in fresh air for 9 months, give me back my personal space. Now, if I had my personal space invaded by an army of Tina Feys, I would not complain. I say that right now. After all, who would? But sharing an area of 3 meters squared with 6 dudes doesn't sound like the kind of life I would like to live especially if I'm someone who CHOSE to leave behind my hot girlfriend for a two year stint living under the sea with with a bunch of dudes who look like Tony Soprano.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

The stress. One slip up and you're gonna be launching depth charges and engaging in an under water zig zagging submarine chase. Let's just say there is no room for a case of the "Mondays" here.

DREAM WEAVER

So here is another video. I spent the last five days working on this one. I tried to mix it up a little instead of just doing straight stop motion stuff. I use the computer in a few scenes, which definitely helps make a cool new look (THANK YOU MICROSOFT PAINT). This piece is a commentary and deconstruction of the human psyche as seen through the frame work of the ego superimposed against the id. ENJOY!

BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED....

Who doesn't know Captain Planet? Whether or not you religiously followed the show, you know who he is and what he's about. I admit, I had a Captain Planet action figure when I was a kid. Like many others, I was seduced by his gorgeous shiny blue skin, green haired mullet, and his message of environmentalism (well not really). Anyhow, I was just thinking about this show today and well.....

YOUR CARDIAC ORGAN IS FULL OF EMOTION

Who doesn't think that Heart is a terrible power? I mean really. Everyone else controls some cool element while a surprisingly pale Amazonian kid wields the power of caring and compassion. What's up with that? Yes, okay. The guy gets to communicate with animals BUT Dr. Doolittle does the same thing but he doesn't need a ring to pull it off. It's like, Gaia ran out of elemental powers and just made one up on the fly. I mean....forcing people to HAVE compassion and to care... I'd rather have the power of shooting meatballs out of my nostrils than the power of forcing people to sympathize any day.

COME AGAIN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

Wheeler. Clearly everyone's favorite Planeteer. Not only does he wield the awesome power of fire, but he's a bad ass cool American. You know the Japanese and Russian girl wanted a piece of the Wheelman. Heck, I'm pretty sure Gaia even had a thing for him. Realistically, that is the only way he could even become a Planeteer. He was so reckless and "bad ass" that no sane person would give him the sole power to control and wield the element of fire in real life. Oh, and his fiery red hair...this show has layers.

I AM CAPTAIN PLANE.......AHH THERE'S GARBAGE ON MY CHEST

So Captain Planet is supposed to be the secret weapon of Gaia and The Planeteers. Just like Voltron wields its sword and Lion-O calls on the Sword of Omens, Captain Planet is only called upon when the Planeteers absolutely need him. But wait. Get any sort of pollution on his chest and his is rendered completely useless. Well that can be kinda tough because you can pretty much find pollution anywhere. What's the use of having a secret weapon against pollution when that weapon can't even survive in an environment that has pollution? Does that make sense to anyone? OH and another thing. The rings are completely useless when Captain Planet is summoned. Who designed this terrible attack plan?

YOU HAD ME AT CHEESE PLATE

So many people say humor is attractive. It's a definite plus in a person's character. The ability to make anyone laugh is never easy but if you can pull it off, it's one of the best ways to get people to like you. So maybe this is why these two lucky ladies have received my eternal affections.

CHEESE SOUP RESULTS IN EXPLOSION OF THE BOWELS

Liz Lemon, aka. Tiny Fey, (or vice versa), definitely has my attention. The librarian look is definitely a plus, and if Tiny Fey is even remotely similar to her 30 Rock alto ego, she might as well be the perfect woman. Someone who's idea of a wild time is spending the day at a bird museum in Germany definitely has my attention (and for all the right reasons). And an evening in wrapped in a slanket and eating cheese is definitely a turn on. VERDICT: IDEAL WOMAN

PIXIE STICKS AND CANDY NECKLACES

Amy Poehler. I am definitely jealous of the guy who got to marry her. I am not surprised he snagged this gem of a woman after all, he was in Arrested Development AND plays Banks in 30 Rock. That goofy smile of hers which is similar to an uncomfortable smile any child makes when they poop their pants is priceless. While her clueless character on Parks and Recreation doesn't really compare to Liz Lemon, her air headed antics still generate warm fuzzy feelings in me. VERDICT: SUB-IDEAL WOMAN, BUT IDEAL ENOUGH

Honorable Mention: Rachael Dratch. I don't think I really need to explain this one. She just has "it"

DUDE, YOU NEED SOME SUN

Okay..so I was thinking about this recently. WHAT'S UP WITH THE TWILIGHT FAD? Now, before you continue with this entry, Twilight fans please beware. You may be offended by this, and that is intentional.

YOU GOT AN AWESOME BOD. I GOT IT.

Why can't the werewolf put on a shirt. This dude needs to get over himself and stop being half naked 99% of the time he walks this earth. I get it. Tween girls melt at the sight of this guy's abs, but listen up tweens...you're all stupid. The only time this guy actually pulled off a movie role was when he rapped in Shark Boy and Lava Girl.

I AM CONSUMED BY DEEP, DARK EMOTION.

Does Bella know how to smile? Does she get that there are worse things in life than being hot for two different people? I mean...doesn't she have to worry about her school? Where are her parents while all this is going on? Do they know she's entangled in a love triangle between someone how is more pale than an albino and someone else who has less personality than a turd.

Now I haven't really seen the movies, I admit. But watching the trailers and commercials on tv causes me to die a little bit each time, so I don't know if I could live through a proper viewing. So to all you tweens out there who are Twilight obsessed.....obsess over something worth obsessing over like...

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II

SERVED ALL DAY LONG...WAIT. WHAT?!

Now everyone has their opinion of McDonalds. Yes, it is bad for you. Yes, if you eat it regularly, you are condemning yourself to a sweaty, smelly, and inconveniently timed death. Many people, however, will agree that McDonalds does indeed provide some taste-tastic burgers. The Big Mac and Fillet-O-Fish are definite classics and I guarantee you will be hard pressed to find people who absolutely hate both of these burgers. There is one, however, that goes unnoticed. The Sausage McMuffin. Why? 'Cuz it is only sold for breakfast. This is my petition to have it sold ALL DAY LONG.

IHOP, DENNY'S, AND THAT OTHER PLACE

All day breakfasts are not uncommon. A bunch of other places have them...SO WHY CAN'T YOU, RONALD MCDONALD?!

9 TO 5.....WHO HAS TIME FOR BREAKFAST?!

Most regular people wake up 15 mins before work and arrive 30 mins late. In other words...who has time to buy breakfast food at the local Mickie D's when we're condemned to live 80% of our lives entombed in a cubicle.

LARD, SALT, CHOLESTEROL

Let's face it, the Sausage McMuffin is greasy, gross, and completely bad for you, so serving it all day long is bound to draw even more people to McDonald's.

I WEAR THAT WHERE?!

Fanny packs. Why do they get such a bad rap. I mean, they are a useful accessory. I say BRING THEM BACK.

I AIN'T GOT NO POCKETS.

Say what? No place to put those keys, wallets, tissues, gums, and phones, but don't want to lug around a giant back pack or shoulder bag? Fanny pack my friend. It's genius construction makes it possible to store so much without taking much room.

HOW REFINED.

Fanny packs come in many styles and colors. Want the simple fanny back basic? Well you can do that. Want a place to separate all your little things into sections? Gosh darn it, YOU CAN DO THAT, TOO! Possibilities are endless.

THAT'S QUITE SOME FLAIR YOU HAVE.

Something missing from your outfit? The space around your waist seem a little....empty? FANNY PACK. It can bring an outfit together much better than a simple belt can. Want to go fanny pack classic style? Wear the pack right in front of your belly. That'll let the ladies know you're great dad material. Want a little something for the clubs? Rotate it around your hip. That'll let everyone know you're a hipster who sets trends. Want to appear like an adventurer? Dangerous and mysterious? Simply have the around your lower back. That gives off the "I don't give a damn vibe" mixed in with " 'Danger'? I cannot process THAT word."

Trust me. Throw in a fanny pack into your usual wardrobe and you'll be turning heads for all the right reasons.

COULD YOU GO A LITTLE SLOWER, MAYBE?

Don't you hate it when you're walking (walking with intent, with a destination and time frame in mind) and you're stuck between a couple who have to savor every foot step, every look and feel of the street? And for some reason, no matter how hard you try, they seem to be able to predict your every move and turn and cut you off just when you think you can get by. These are the kinds of walkers that really drive me up the wall.

WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE

The waddlers. These are the people who feel the need to walk at a speed of half a foot per second. They enjoy taking up the entire amount of free space on the sidewalk or aisle and completely forget about what it means to be "considerate"

STACCATO STROLL

These are the people who are walking in a crowded street and know that there are people following behind them. Yet for some reason, they immediately stop in the middle of the road to look at a bird, fiddle with their purse, say "waddup" to some guy, etc, etc.I MEAN COME ON. Would it hurt so much to make a sidestep before coming to a complete halt.

THIS IS WHERE I LEAN.

Finally we come to the people who feel like the best place to quietly wait right in the center of the most crowded part of the street, and for some reason these guys never seem to be alone. They are always in groups. Tourist are notorious for this because, well...they're tourists. BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE. Whenever I am tourist, I never choose to just lounge about where the most people can get pissed off with me. These are the kind of people who think like to give off the aura "this is me world, get used to it," when in reality they're giving off the "I am an inconsiderate douche" vibe.

CAREER DAY

Every now and then I catch myself thinking about what kinds of careers would be cool. Like, it I had the ability to do anything I want and the opportunity, what would I want to do. I guess if I knew that definitively, I wouldn't hang around writing a blog only two people (if I'm luck) read. It never hurts, though, to imagine.

ONE ART, PLEASE

An artist would be cool, though, not the struggling kind. The trust fund and not-a-care-in-the-world kind. This would totally give me a reason to dress in duck print sweat pants and a sweat stained wife beater all the while cussing out children for being small and puny, but you see, it's okay. I'm an artist. I am troubled but a genius. Difficult but dark and brooding. I can paint pieces of crap and call it "art" and have people praising me for challenging society and being a trail blazer, and at the same time sip a glass of champagne from my beer stein as I stand in a forest naked and wearing pink bunny slippers, cuz, you know...that's my art.

YOU SUCK

Critic. Any critic, it doesn't matter. Criticizing something for its stupidity is always easier and funny than praising it.

A-MUSE ME

I inspire thoughts. My genius is that I bring out the genius in others simply be just "being". How cool what that be. Being paid to exist because someone believes you bring out their creativity and imagination. Can you imagine what my resume would look like. MUSE. That's all it would say. I think that wold be pretty cool.

SHAQ-ISMS

Now I am not a basketball know-it-all or anything. I do, however, know who Shaquille O'Neal is. He is the genius who happens to also be good at his favorite hobby, basketball. Not many people know this. They just know him for his talent as a basketball player, but I know him for his talent...at thinking.


“But can’t nobody (mess) with me. I’m like toilet paper, Pampers and toothpaste. I’m definitely proven to be effective.”

This man definitely knows how to construct a simile, and an especially effective one at that. YES. toilet paper, Pampers, and toothpaste have DEFINITELY been proven to be effective, thus, according to those proven facts, Shaq has articulately conveyed his effectiveness. What a command of the English language!

“Being the best right now doesn’t do anything for my feathers.”

THAT'S GENIUS because (do you get it?) he's not about being the best because that doesn't do anything for his "feathers". His thoughts and observations take you to a higher metaphysical plane.

“If they would have had this Internet stuff when I was coming up, I would have been in Harvard by now.”

This is true. Shaq points out the educational value of the internet. I completely agree with his argument that education has now gotten so much simpler. Learning for the youth has gotten so much easier because of the use of the internet as a study aid. No doubt previous generations of graduates had to sacrifice so much in order to achieve their educational goals. Back then, when you got into Harvard, you earned it. Now, if you got in, it was only because of the internet.

WHAT'S THAT IN THE SKY?

Alright, so I know in my last video post I said it would be a while before I did another one of these, but I got this idea right after posting the last video, so I couldn't concentrate until I did this one...and here it is. This time it moved a lot quicker than the last video. I guess that's because I actually had an outline before hand detailing each scene, whereas last time I had a general idea of what I was doing, so when it came to taking pictures and moving stuff around I knew exactly what I wanted. This video is a little different than the last one, I guess less goofy since I'm not really in it, but I hope you still enjoy it. By the way....my hard drive...*KAPUT*. Lost my files, pictures, music......AAAARRRGHH. enjoy.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SOMA?

So my computer is still not doing too well. It is currently in critical condition, so I will just have to wait and see how everything goes. So again, no pic, but I thought I would share some more of my wonderful thoughts, which I know you are all dying to learn about.

Lately I've been thinking about that Book BRAVE NEW WORLD, which I'm sure everyone here has read. I know this book is supposed to be a a view of a dystopian future, or what not (I am terrible with metaphor, symbolism and stuff. To me if someone writes something, that is literally what the author is saying. If he says, "The sun is red," it literally means it's a red sun and not that the author is a vampire transvestite. Anyhow, I digress). While reading this book or should I say, while remember what this book was about, I remember thinking that the future sounded pretty cool.

DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO.

So what if you have no choice in what class you'll be in or what career you get to pursue. The guess work is taken out of the equation and someone literally tells you what it is you're best suited for. PLUS, if you're someone who feels like you have to rebel, they give you drugs (or do they mess with your brain?) to make you happy with your life. Doesn't that sound cool. You could be a professional poop scooper and it wouldn't matter to you because you'll be happy.

YOU GOT THE STUFF?

Did I mention the drugs?

SEVEN TO ELEVEN BUT REALLY WE'RE ALWAYS OPEN.

Bottom line, the world Huxley paints sounds pretty sweet and when it comes to figuring out your destiny in life, someone else just chooses it for you, so it's pretty damn convenient. No more spending decades or even a lifetime thinking "what does it all mean" or "what is my destiny" because...guess what? Some dude with an oily comb over and tight fitting black suit will take the mystery right out for you and tell you you're gonna be spending the rest of your life learning how to be a bag pipe maker and GOSH DARN IT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

On an unrelated note...I have noticed that I am beginning to grow chest hair. Am I still going to threw puberty? That would answer quite a lot.

A PLAGUE UPON BOTH YOUR HOUSES

ARRGGGGHGHG. Okay so my laptop is broken and the hard drive maybe totally busted, which means I may lose a bunch of pics and documents...........I AM PRETTY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. I am using another computer at the moment which feels dirty and sticky, not like my pretty sleek laptop. So no pic in today's post sinec I can't access my regular computer. I maybe away from this blog for a couple days because of this issue......so don't think I bailed on this thing already. DAMN YOU TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!